Opening sentence for my story.

hello readers, we are learning to write and interesting first sentence to hook our readers.

My starter sentence 'I was on roblox and got 5000 dolars'.

This is my improved second 'bang boom pew pew bam rattat , there were flashing light’s, I was so engrossed in the game'.

I think my updated sentence is more interesting.

Do you think my updated sentence better.